During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365
times.
I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten
days.
The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more
often:
54 times the
sheets were clean
17 times it
was too late
49 times you
were too tired
20 times it
was too hot
15 times you
pretended to be sleep 
22 times you
had a headache 
17 times you
were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you
said you were too sore
12 times it
was the wrong time of the month
19 times you
had to get up early
9 times you
said weren't in the mood
7 times you
were sunburned
6 times you
were watching the late show
5 times you
didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 
3 times you
said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you
said your mother would hear us
Of
the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:
6 times you
just laid there
8 times you
reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you
told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had
to wake you and tell you I finished 
1 time I was
afraid I had hurt you because I felt you
move
KEEP
READING.......
==========================================================
TO MY
DEAR HUSBAND:
I
think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons
you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you
came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 

36 times you
did not come home at all 
21 times you
didn't cum
33 times you
came too soon
19 times you
went soft before you got in
38 times you
worked too late
10 times you
got cramps in your toes
29 times you
had to get up early to play golf
2 times you
were in a fight and someone kicked you in the
balls
4 times you
got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you
had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you
had a splinter in your finger
20 times you
lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you
came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you
were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on
TV
Of
the times we did get together:
The reason I
laid still was because you missed and were screwing the
sheets.
I wasn't
talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you
prefer me on my back or kneeling?" 
The time you
felt me move was because you farted
and I was trying to breathe.